This isn’t the Chattanooga I remember.
My grandmother moved to Chattanooga to help digitize the railroad, so when I was a kid, we came here sometimes for the holidays. I remember eating PEZ from my PEZ dispenser in the back of the car on the way to the mall and the swing set in her backyard. The time my grandfather accidentally flicked a cigarette butt into my face and a bubble machine for some reason?
But I don’t remember a bustling main street, art galleries, or a snazzy little bakery.
My ex-boyfriend’s cousin lived in? lives in? Chattanooga, and he told us years ago that it had started growing up. Young people were flocking to it, because of the low cost of living. I had no reason not to believe him, but I also never gave it another thought—at least until my dad moved closeish to Chattanooga a little while ago.
Now, home for the holidays includes a drive past grandma’s old house and a road trip into town.
This morning, we bobbed and weaved through a crowd of Christmas parade watchers on our way to Niedlov’s Bakery & Cafe. My dad very thoughtfully selected it so I could make some content. We saw a line out the door, and despite my apparent affinity for croissants, I am simply not wrapping around the block for one, no matter how good the google reviews.
We did a quick about-face into Main Street Meats for what is perhaps the worst biscuit the South has ever produced. My father literally took one bite, wrapped it back up, and pushed it across the table. I come by it honest. He and his wife ordered the bacon egg and cheese; mine was sausage; the only other option was plain. The biscuits were square, less waste that way. They were both soaked in butter and completely underbaked, so they tasted something like salt, raw flour, and paste. The sausage wasn’t bad, so I scraped the soggiest parts of the biscuits off and ate it.
To be fair to Main Street Meats, they had done this whole tiny menu, poorly made biscuit bullshit because, in addition to the Christmas Parade, there were 99 other events happening around town. No, literally, we saw signs that said “24 hours, 100+ events”. We saw a chili cook-off, art installations, white claws being sold outside a vintage shop, and the list goes on.
Had we known, we never would’ve left the house this morning.
So, back to Niedlov’s. Turns out, all it takes to get my family to wait in line for food is to have us waste our money on shittier food down the street. When we finally got inside, we found a sort of rustic-chic-industrial vibe, shelves full of honey, coffee, and house-made granola - a special granola for Christmas with little mini meringues inside. Cute. Sweatshirts, hats, tees, all cute. Quirky little slogans like “Bake Bread. Avoid Plague. And Revolt.” Cute. Hand-written chalkboard sign. Cookies and croissants lined up in the pastry case. Bread and bread baskets on wooden shelves along the back wall. Have I painted the picture yet? It’s a bakery.
We ordered and found a seat. Soon, our hand-stamped box arrives. Six treats inside.
Almond Croissant
The first I have had of its kind. Traditionally, almond croissants are a second day pastry. A way to reduce waste. You take yesterday’s butter croissant, cut it in half, fill it with frangipan, use a little more to stick a handful of slivered almonds to the top, bake it a second time and dust it with enough powdered sugar to cover up the overbrowned bits.
But this was a first-day pastry, with almond filling rolled up with the dough when they made the croissant shape. A couple of slivers stuck on top while it was proofing (I imagine) and a light dusting of powdered sugar. Not a bad start to the box. I cut it open to check out their lamination skills because I am a professional croissant judge, after all. Not bad, not great. Definitely leaning on the bready side. Flavor-wise, I was pleased. I tend to avoid almond croissants because the artificial almond flavor can be so overwhelming, but the balance in this one was quite nice. Not too much filling, just enough almond flavor.
Raspberry Croissant
This croissant was never going to be for me and I knew that just from the look of it. When I see a thick glaze or anything resembling white chocolate coating, I want to run in the other direction, but my father loves that super sweet shit. I practically had to take the croissant out of his hands to even try a bite. Dad wanted to see more raspberry jam in the middle, but otherwise, he ate the whole thing.
It was, as I suspected, far too sweet for my taste.
Vanilla Walnut Apple Danish
Now, I love Danish. They are probably my favorite of the common bakery items. Sweet or savory, it doesn’t matter to me. But much like a pop tart, I break them in half, eat the filling, and throw the crust in the trash—as God intended.
I wanted to love this danish, and look, I still ate it. But someone was a little heavy handed with the vanilla in the filling. I could still taste the raw alcohol flavor from the extract, just not the most pleasant.
Banana Bread Pudding
Swing and a miss. Like huge. This neither resembled banana bread nor bread pudding. I couldn’t even pinpoint what type of bread was being used to make it, but it kind of resembled monkey bread, I think. It was very dry, and there was no particular banana flavor to speak of. We each took one bite and threw the rest in the trash.
Ginger Molasses Cookie
Good ginger cookie. Possibly a triple ginger cookie, I think I spotted some crystallized ginger chopped up really fine in my bite. I wouldn’t have been mad at a little more kick, but it was perfect for my dad’s wife, who thinks everything bagel seasoning is spicy.
Flourless Chocolate Cookie
A great gluten-free option. Something akin to those brownie brittles you can get at the grocery store. The outside was dry and crispy, like the crackled top of a brownie, and the middle had a nice chew to it. If you could find a recipe for something like this, you’d be a hit at your holiday cookie exchange.
Overall, this is a solid bakery. If I lived in Chattanooga, I would certainly be a regular. I wish I hadn’t filled up on that terrible sausage biscuit because Niedlov’s had some savory scones and sandwiches that looked bomb. I even spotted a cheddar pepper sourdough loaf on a rack in the back that I’d be keen to try.